Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
new record!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.