Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.