“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
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They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.