Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.