Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

ㅤ

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

sigh

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.