Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex