Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.