Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking