Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Big Sex has us all fooled
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“TGIM!” – My liver
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s