Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.