Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

First I was a pebble..

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does