“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*frowns in Scottish*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
My dad is at it again
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover