“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
More like Kate Missington.