Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts