Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

scared to check what name she chose

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet