STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
This tweet has been deleted
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.