Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you