Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

I want this so bad

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.