Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

A drum solo but on your face.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!