Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email