Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Winnipeg!!

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough