Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.