Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough