Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.