stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
You Might Also Like
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
called in thicc to work this morning
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me