stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
How to woo a woman
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.