stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
ouch
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”