Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Can’t, holding a grudge