Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
opening twitter today
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.