stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
You Might Also Like
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty