stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend