Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious