Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground