“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*