“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash