🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?