Don’t mix up ethics and morals. Ethics are principles that guide your behavior, and morals are a type of mushroom.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
– I yell to my children
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I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Nincompoopery is my favorite kind of poopery
My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, “That’s a strange color for a tree.”
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.