@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”

– I yell to my children

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@Writepop

Writing tip:

Don’t mix up ethics and morals. Ethics are principles that guide your behavior, and morals are a type of mushroom.

@AshadAndrews

I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@sirchutney

‘Benjamin Button.’

‘BENJAMIN WHO?’

‘Benjamin’

‘WHO’S THERE?’

‘Knock knock!’

@StoferComic

My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, “That’s a strange color for a tree.”

@AndrewsNotFunny

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

@mommajessiec

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.