Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Software Development ⛵️

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

awkward

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Investing in beetcoin

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.