Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
When they try to steal your moment.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
