Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.