Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Bruh PLEASE

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Got ya covered

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Well, this certainly took a turn

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.