Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
You Might Also Like
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.