Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.