Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
