Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

He took my last fry, your honor

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

It’s actually Dr. whatever