Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

fired

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

I can’t be the only one 😂

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts