Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Schrödinger’s cookie
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.