Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?