Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers