Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?