STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
🤣😈🤣
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.