“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it