Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Pass gas, not judgment.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
