Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
#NeverForget
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?