Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
You Might Also Like
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Bruh PLEASE
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.