Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn