Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

*Seductively hides in the woods

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?