Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
For the baby who has everything
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer