“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.