“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me