Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.