Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs