Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks