Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!