Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep