Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Same pineapple, same

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

😂

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.