Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
How does someone manage that 🤨
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right