Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?