Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Always…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”