Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Beauty and the Beast
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
God has abandoned us.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!