Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
How all things should be taught/explained.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.