Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets