Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

What?

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

I told my vodka about you.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.