Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.