Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

somebody come look at this

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?