STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.