STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
grandparents are too precious for this world
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.