Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door