Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Sharon I have some bad news
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.