Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread