Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.